There are multiple ways of apologising to somebody. One is by simply saying, “sorry.” There are more and there are other phrases and terms used in those times, “I beg for your forgiveness” is one example. Japanese is no different. There are several different ways of apologising in Japanese. Another form of apologising is by doing some kind of action. In traditional Japan, the older generations used the “dogeza” mixed with some words as the strongest form of apology - not including seppuku, of course.
We have no such thing in the UK. In fact, there are no physical ways of apologising directly except for doing a kind of task for the person, such as cleaning the house for your wife, or buying a present.
In Japan, it seems that apologizing isn’t something that’s thought about as much as it is in The UK. If a British person does something wrong, first thing usually think about who was wrong and then react accordingly. But in Japan it seems that no matter who was right or wrong, there is an instant and automatic “sorry” that follows. I know that in Japan, children are brought up with the philosophy of resolving problems and fights by apologizing because it causes the least trouble for people around. People put the group and other people above themselves. It sounds kind and sweet from one perspective, but from another perspective it also means that the person who was wrong can walk away without scorn or punishment. In a company, school or public fight, both people are often punished equally, even if one person is totally innocent. It creates a culture where people apologize without thinking about it. Stress accumulates and we’re left with more tension than before.
It also creates a fake arrogance in people. Those kinds of people aren’t actually arrogant, but the stress and culture mixes and it leaves them with the opinion that they are in the right more than they actually are. If disputes and challenges are issued in those times, people may change their perspective. At least, as a foreigner who is new to this culture, I can feel bad intentions and negativity just by watching people walk or looking at their face or listening to their voice and conversations. It’s more visible with the middle-aged generation (40-60). It makes me wonder if it’s related to the high suicide rates. In The UK, there are more confrontations in public and when people fight, they try to resolve it through debate. And by the time those people get home, they definitely feel better for relieving their stress than if they had bottled it up day after day until they break down mentally. I’m not saying Japanese people are wrong. Actually they are very mentally strong for having such a tough culture for years. I worry about their health, general well-being and relationships. I think it also may relate to the reason why many people are not having relationships and children in Japan. There are many single people, especially in their 30s in Japan. Culture plays a big role. Work. Stress. Culture. Relationships. Mental Health. Just imagine how those five factors may be connected and related. It seems almost obvious to me, or am I missing a big piece to the puzzle?
- Do you often apologise? In what kinds of situations?
- Do you think you need to apologise every time?
- What about if you did nothing wrong? Do you still apologise?
- Do you think it’s true that older people expect politeness too much?
- Do you think people deserve to be confronted sometimes?
日本語訳
人に謝る方法はいくつもあります。単に「ごめんなさい」と言う方法もあれば、「どうかお許しください」といった別の表現を使うこともあります。日本語でも同じように謝罪の言い方はさまざまです。言葉以外に、行動で謝る方法もあります。昔の日本では、年長の世代は土下座と言葉を組み合わせ、最も強い謝罪を表したそうです。もちろん切腹は別として、ですが。
イギリスにはそのようなものはありません。妻のために家を掃除したり、贈り物を買ったりするようなことを除けば、直接的に身体で謝罪を表す方法はないのです。
日本では、謝ることについてイギリスほど深く考えないように見えます。イギリス人なら何か問題が起きたとき、まず誰に非があるか考え、それに応じて行動することが多いでしょう。しかし日本では、どちらが正しいかに関係なく、すぐ自動的に「すみません」と言うように感じます。日本の子どもは、周囲に迷惑をかけないよう、謝って争いを収める考え方で育つと私は理解しています。自分より集団や他人を優先するのです。一方から見れば親切なことですが、他方から見れば、非のある人も非難や罰を受けずに済んでしまいます。会社や学校、公の場での争いでは、一方がまったく悪くなくても二人が同じように罰せられることがあります。その結果、考えずに謝る文化が生まれ、ストレスがたまり、かえって緊張が増すのではないでしょうか。
それは人を、実際にはそうでないのに傲慢に見せることもあります。ストレスと文化が混ざり、自分は実際以上に正しいと思い込ませるのです。そこで異議を唱え、議論すれば、見方が変わるかもしれません。少なくとも、この文化にまだ慣れていない外国人の私には、人の歩き方や顔つき、声、会話から悪意や否定的な感情が感じられることがあります。特に40～60代で目立つように感じ、自殺率の高さと関係があるのかと考えます。イギリスでは公の場で衝突することが多く、けんかになっても議論を通じて解決しようとします。家に帰る頃には、毎日感情をため込んで精神的に参ってしまうより、ストレスを発散できて気分がよくなっているはずです。日本人が間違っていると言いたいわけではありません。むしろ厳しい文化の中で長年暮らしてきた人々は精神的に強いと思います。それでも健康や幸福、人間関係が心配です。日本で交際したり子どもを持ったりしない人が多い理由とも関係するかもしれません。特に30代には独身者が多くいます。文化は大きな役割を果たします。仕事、ストレス、文化、人間関係、心の健康。この五つがどう結び付いているか想像してみてください。私には関係があるように思えますが、大事なことを見落としているのでしょうか。
質問
1）よく謝りますか。どんな状況で謝りますか。
2）毎回謝る必要があると思いますか。
3）自分に非がない場合でも謝りますか。
4）年配の人は礼儀を求めすぎるというのは本当だと思いますか。
5）時には正面から意見をぶつけられるべきだと思いますか。